School has started for me. Despite the 'lax' timetable, I feel more stressed than I did in year 2. Guessing that's how the final year of polytechnic feels like. Doing an independent study project is hard work– expected. I'm the only one shouldering all the work, hence the word 'independent'.
Sometimes I wonder did I make the wrong choice by choosing to do a independent study project. It's a lot of work like my lecturer warned me a year ago (come to think of it). Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I chose a different path. Probably in a parallel universe, I'll be doing something very different. Who knows. I'm not a quantum physician or someone who at least knows something about the theory of relativity.
Too late for regrets anyway, I'm already in too deep (no innuendos) to get out. With the thought of internship in the near future is equally if not more daunting. I'm at a stage where people start asking, 'So, what do you want to do with your life?' Honestly, I thought I figured that out, like I've clear path on where to go but now? I don't know. The future is one big question mark. Probably it's because I haven't found a feasible passion that I could do without worrying about finances.
I guess I'm just scared. Looking back on the days that I had this mentality (well, I still do but not as strong as before) that why must I wait for someone to be the next best thing. For my case at least, why must I wait for someone to be the next New York Times bestselling author when I can become one? As I'm growing older, I've become a little more pragmatic. Back when I was younger, I had big dreams. Slowly, those dreams grew smaller and smaller. And self doubt doesn't help one bit. It just gnaws on your passion, slowly diminishing it to nothingness. That sucks.
The fear of failure is another thing holding me back. One of the shittiest feelings one can feel is like working hard on something that you really care about and the results aren't what you expect to get in return for your effort. I think I just described the word 'disappointment'. Disappointment sucks. Failure sucks. But saying is still there, 'Failure is the mother of success'. I'm blaming my perfectionism at times like these.
I'm just rambling here because it's late and I'm tired yet I want to express myself– ha! More like vent. Whatever. Sleep awaits. Till next time.
- Gloria
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