Ramblings of a rather average girl

well, they don't call christmas the festive season for no reason. in a couple of days we will be gathering for the new year, wishing that the coming year would be better than the previous ones. that glimmer of hope that lingers around us coming from the promise of new possibilities. well, not everyone has that, got to just acknowledge that. this festive season has been more muted in comparison to the previous year's. don't really know it's because i'm getting older so everything around me seems more sombre or it's something else. at times, i feel like i'm slipping away from people. i shouldn't be surprised because everything changes after all. that's part of life. yet this unsettling feeling persists. it's the feeling that somehow i'm unable to reconcile the past, the present and the future. our lives have changed as we diverged onto different paths yet there is something innate within us to cling onto the past. the familiarity of it. t...

well, i'm currently feeling a little out of it. everything seems a little dull. muted. it's as if existing has suddenly become exhausting. it feels like everything seems like a chore, even when i'm doing something i would've gained some enjoyment out of doing them. at the same time, i don't know whether this feeling is caused by my hormones seeing that my period is coming soon (the signs have been rather clear other than my rather shitty mood). this feeling has been following me around like a personal raincloud, threatening to pour who knows what emotion or a thing i've been repressing for a time. when i attempt to write things just for the fun of it, i get so bloody critical of everything that i've written. something doesn't seem right and by the end of my critique, i wonder why the fuck did i even start writing again. like what is the point? i feel like my existential crisis moments are getting bigger as i point out the cracks that i see within my...

so... i was supposed to go a club tonight but i didn't feel like it. furthermore, my friend whom i'm close to also didn't felt like going. yet at the same time, i wanted to go for the new experience and my friend was fine accompanying my ass to the place. i got this gut feeling that it's not going to be good. literally, my stomach was acting weird in the late afternoon so i went to take a nap in hopes that it would alleviate the slight pain. i was nervous already since i've been asking my friend about the social cues of being at a club – seeing that i've never been and clearly indicates my need to be ready for any circumstances. mainly, i just don't want to do something stupid that i would come to regret later. to decide whether we go, we just flipped a coin (using google and not an actual coin) where if it lands on heads, we would go. we flipped the coin twice and twice it landed on tails so i was like 'the universe has spoken, it's a no'. th...