so... i was supposed to go a club tonight but i didn't feel like it. furthermore, my friend whom i'm close to also didn't felt like going. yet at the same time, i wanted to go for the new experience and my friend was fine accompanying my ass to the place. i got this gut feeling that it's not going to be good. literally, my stomach was acting weird in the late afternoon so i went to take a nap in hopes that it would alleviate the slight pain. i was nervous already since i've been asking my friend about the social cues of being at a club – seeing that i've never been and clearly indicates my need to be ready for any circumstances. mainly, i just don't want to do something stupid that i would come to regret later. to decide whether we go, we just flipped a coin (using google and not an actual coin) where if it lands on heads, we would go. we flipped the coin twice and twice it landed on tails so i was like 'the universe has spoken, it's a no'. there was this wave of relief coming over the both of us because we decided that chilling at home sounds like a more ideal situation than going out. maybe i would go to a club eventually when our other friend returns from london.
the thing is, even if i wanted to go, there were like clear signs that this might be a bad idea. first, my body is feeling weird since i woke up. a slight headache, feeling a little dizzy which i would chalk it up to the lack of sleep. then my stomach feeling funny in the afternoon. the whole ordeal of telling my parents that i would be out late again. even at the ripe old age of 23, they really don't like the idea of me staying out late. and if i ever tell them where i was going (i was being vague about the details of me going out), i know the response will be just catastrophic. i can imagine the argument that would arise and it would be exhausting with everything being be too emotionally charged and me getting really upset – it's just really ugly in general. and frankly, it's because of my gender. my younger brother doesn't even get the amount of flack and restrictions that i get about staying out late when there are also risks being involved. even if i have always been the more responsible one yet this happens, it's the same tired argument that they use against me. talk about having a double standard. i get their worries and fears – more reasons to take down the patriarchy as well as to promote gender equality.
just to give some cultural context for people, staying with your parents even as a young adult is a very common thing in singapore; people only move out when they are married. in this economy, no one can afford a house and parents are not too happy about their kids moving out because the fact of paying rent to live elsewhere is just wasting money to them since you can live at home. but i see the appeal of moving out because freedom to do whatever.
but i have digressed a lot. going out tonight wasn't a good sign and the universe has spoken so. i wonder what would happen to me in an alternate universe where i went out – but do i really wanna know? not really.
- Gloria
Photo by Edan Cohen on Unsplash
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