having a space that acts as a void is both comforting and lonely. despite me posting it on the internet makes whatever i say feels permanent (unless i delete them), it's comforting to be able to write the running thoughts of this weird brain of mine down without anyone i know peering at them. 50% is me not wanting to burden them with my thoughts that often are quite melancholic (so edgy ikr) and the other 50% is just me wanting to keep some things private. the loneliness probably comes after writing everything down and the written words stare back at you expectantly to do something. very much similar to pain, words demand to be read and hope to propel some action to be done. but typing to this 'void' doesn't really do anything so it feels quite empty.
yet here i am still typing into this empty void in hopes it would relieve of the funk i'm experiencing. it feels like i've been trying to find myself since i was 13. like i'm on this endless search for an identity that best represents me. i've looked into fictional characters, astrology, mbti types, enneagram types and even my hogwarts house to define who i am as a person. then when other factors such as race, religion, culture, where i was born etc, come into play, it complicates things because these factors also contribute to shaping the current person that i am.
i guess with every new year, new resolutions come about in hopes of improving the self or even reinventing a new persona. last year has been really illuminating but as i fight the remnants of my last existential crisis, i hope to be better.
- gloria
Photo by Oliver Hihn on Unsplash
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