it's been a while since i've written here. my ennui as represented through the previous posts prolonged through the new year (this includes the lunar one as well), the new semester (now known as the previous one – the worst one i've ever experienced in my academic career), and that emptiness managed to linger around during the early parts of my summer break. i would like to say that that emptiness is gone but who am i kidding? it hasn't but it's not as all-consuming as it was during the start of summer break (i didn't really have time to feel like shit during the semester because i was flooded with deadlines and juggling my time between work and school). just felt like writing once more because i've been neglecting that part of me for quite a while. i feel like writing is pretty similar to running. when one is constantly writing, they would be more familiar with the process and it doesn't feel as foreign when they first start out. it can be even fun, which i think uni has sucked the fun out of writing for me but i'm trying to find that spark that drew me into writing in the first place. i'm realising school as taken the fun of the things i usually enjoy such as watching films, reading, and writing. that sucks. i know i sound terribly rambly in these posts as words in these often come from a stream consciousness and every word i type is just from my head. there is some deliberation but not a lot. besides, kerouac does this so i'm just appropriating his style and people lauded him to be great.
i digress. the reason of me penning this post is because i just feel... i don't really know how to describe this. nostalgic doesn't exactly cut it because despite me longing for some things to remain the same, i feel like the current me is at least better than who i was in the past (i certainly hope so). sad doesn't cut it either because i'm not sad in the way that sadness conventionally felt like. i just miss certain things and i'm struggling to reconcile them and not make it a big deal out of nothing. is this growing up???? HAH. funny to think that my younger self thought i liked change. not fond of it but i've accepted that it's part of life and i'm still struggling to come to terms with it.
the real existential crisis comes to me at random times of the day where i just feel weirded by my own existence. i'm a person???? that's fucking wild!!!! what is going on???? also, the world is currently shit. the things happening in Sudan is absolutely atrocious, the new extradition law that might be passed in Hong Kong looks like it's from a dystopian novel and it's insidiously scary. we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change and yet that's been overlooked for some weird reason – like maybe earth would still be here but i'm sure the human race wouldn't be able to survive the drastic changes in our environment. AND YET we aren't uniting as a human race to save the earth. alabama's ban on abortion is another way for the patriarchal power structures to control people's autonomy over their body, and probably there are countries that also ban abortions. reproductive rights is human rights – give people the option of a choice and not take that from them. and straight pride is somehow happening which puzzles me; in this heteronormative world when one's sexual orientation is heterosexual, you would NOT be discriminated because of your sexuality. sometimes i wonder if we're living in a simulation but this reality sucks a little too much for it to be one.
yes, this has been a spiral down to what i think about on a daily basis. my own issues then social and environment issues before slipping into an inner debate with myself whether my actions towards anything would be like sisyphus rolling the stone up a slope. but it's better to try than not trying at all isn't it?
i digress. the reason of me penning this post is because i just feel... i don't really know how to describe this. nostalgic doesn't exactly cut it because despite me longing for some things to remain the same, i feel like the current me is at least better than who i was in the past (i certainly hope so). sad doesn't cut it either because i'm not sad in the way that sadness conventionally felt like. i just miss certain things and i'm struggling to reconcile them and not make it a big deal out of nothing. is this growing up???? HAH. funny to think that my younger self thought i liked change. not fond of it but i've accepted that it's part of life and i'm still struggling to come to terms with it.
the real existential crisis comes to me at random times of the day where i just feel weirded by my own existence. i'm a person???? that's fucking wild!!!! what is going on???? also, the world is currently shit. the things happening in Sudan is absolutely atrocious, the new extradition law that might be passed in Hong Kong looks like it's from a dystopian novel and it's insidiously scary. we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change and yet that's been overlooked for some weird reason – like maybe earth would still be here but i'm sure the human race wouldn't be able to survive the drastic changes in our environment. AND YET we aren't uniting as a human race to save the earth. alabama's ban on abortion is another way for the patriarchal power structures to control people's autonomy over their body, and probably there are countries that also ban abortions. reproductive rights is human rights – give people the option of a choice and not take that from them. and straight pride is somehow happening which puzzles me; in this heteronormative world when one's sexual orientation is heterosexual, you would NOT be discriminated because of your sexuality. sometimes i wonder if we're living in a simulation but this reality sucks a little too much for it to be one.
yes, this has been a spiral down to what i think about on a daily basis. my own issues then social and environment issues before slipping into an inner debate with myself whether my actions towards anything would be like sisyphus rolling the stone up a slope. but it's better to try than not trying at all isn't it?
Comments
Post a Comment