As the deadline inches closer (for my undergrad thesis) and other mods' assignments and quizzes draw nearer, the anxiety has been hitting the roof. It's to the point that my brain can't take a break. I think I barely got 4-5 hours of sleep because everything has been weird and I was too anxious to fall asleep even at 4am+.
In the past couple of days or so, I remember dreaming that I flunk my upcoming quiz on the coming Wednesday. I woke up in a panic and realised it's just a dream. But it felt damn real to me. It feels very weird to be anxious about these things on top with the ongoing pandemic that is currently happening. Life as we know it is gone, maybe forever. I don't think anything would return to the status quo when this pandemic blows over. Things have to get better at least.
So, as a 25-year-old, I've witnessed 9/11 happening in front of my eyes through a television screen as a kid that led to many wars waged in West Asia. Went through an epidemic known as SARS in 2003. The stock market crashed that plunged the world in a global recession in 2008. The thing is, when those things happened, I was a kid and a growing adolescent. I don't think my brain could handle the gravity of these situations (in fact when they closed school during 2003, 8-year-old me was like yay, extra March holidays) at that age. I would like to think during those times, my brain is only fixated on me and me growing up. A very self-centred kind of existence. I know there are people who were at around my age during those times who are more aware of the world but I really existed in a bubble of my own existence. A little selfish, not gonna lie. Now, being 24 going on 25 witnessing shit happening and I know no longer have my childish naivety as a shield. The effects of this crisis will last and everyone I know is affected some way or another. Mum's working from home while Dad's out of work until the circuit breaker is lifted. The younger bro is still serving his National Service but I don't know how they are handling things on the military end. And I'm here, writing about my feelings, trying to process the strangeness and the disconnection I feel for the past couple of weeks.
2020 is the year I'm going to graduate from university. 4 years of blood, tears and sweat. A lot of tears and caffeine (both in the form of coffee and tea). Had fun times and struggled so much over the past 4 years. I am thankful for the friends and the professors that have taught me so much, and my friends and family that stuck by as I go through this crazy ride (sounds like I'm writing my acknowledgements for my thesis paper lmao). Summer plans were made with friends to travel overseas to just have a break from the rat race that capitalism has placed us in. That is currently on hold and possibly cancelled (a high chance that it will be cancelled). For a lack of a better word, I feel weird. It's like, here I am trying to navigate feelings and the weirdness of how academia really puts you in a bubble that has some distance from reality. All I spend my time during this circuit breaker (it's a lockdown of sorts -- sometimes, you got to call a spade a spade) is me writing my thesis paper and other writing assignments (and also revising) while procrastinating. Friends whom I know who are so busy with the different readjustments that came with the implementation of the circuit breaker. Their daily lives have significantly changed. And we have healthcare workers, workers in sanitary and garbage disposal, customer service crew who are part of the essential businesses still working so that life can be as functioning as possible. I feel like what I am doing seems quite pointless during this time. Like, am I really going to be stressed out because of an assignment (that was what triggered the anxiety last night) or a quiz in this grand scheme of things? My anxiety was like "yes, because and here's a long list of reasons why."
There's a lot of conflicting emotions as of late, especially when I look at myself in comparison with other people. There's a level of privilege I have over others and there are other people having more privileges than I have. I don't think there's a total equaliser as suggested from a New York Times article I saw. People who are currently in vulnerable communities are facing the brunt of this pandemic, on top of the virus itself. There's a lot to take in with whatever that has happened so far, and we've only passed the first quarter.
May God help us.
- Gloria
In the past couple of days or so, I remember dreaming that I flunk my upcoming quiz on the coming Wednesday. I woke up in a panic and realised it's just a dream. But it felt damn real to me. It feels very weird to be anxious about these things on top with the ongoing pandemic that is currently happening. Life as we know it is gone, maybe forever. I don't think anything would return to the status quo when this pandemic blows over. Things have to get better at least.
So, as a 25-year-old, I've witnessed 9/11 happening in front of my eyes through a television screen as a kid that led to many wars waged in West Asia. Went through an epidemic known as SARS in 2003. The stock market crashed that plunged the world in a global recession in 2008. The thing is, when those things happened, I was a kid and a growing adolescent. I don't think my brain could handle the gravity of these situations (in fact when they closed school during 2003, 8-year-old me was like yay, extra March holidays) at that age. I would like to think during those times, my brain is only fixated on me and me growing up. A very self-centred kind of existence. I know there are people who were at around my age during those times who are more aware of the world but I really existed in a bubble of my own existence. A little selfish, not gonna lie. Now, being 24 going on 25 witnessing shit happening and I know no longer have my childish naivety as a shield. The effects of this crisis will last and everyone I know is affected some way or another. Mum's working from home while Dad's out of work until the circuit breaker is lifted. The younger bro is still serving his National Service but I don't know how they are handling things on the military end. And I'm here, writing about my feelings, trying to process the strangeness and the disconnection I feel for the past couple of weeks.
2020 is the year I'm going to graduate from university. 4 years of blood, tears and sweat. A lot of tears and caffeine (both in the form of coffee and tea). Had fun times and struggled so much over the past 4 years. I am thankful for the friends and the professors that have taught me so much, and my friends and family that stuck by as I go through this crazy ride (sounds like I'm writing my acknowledgements for my thesis paper lmao). Summer plans were made with friends to travel overseas to just have a break from the rat race that capitalism has placed us in. That is currently on hold and possibly cancelled (a high chance that it will be cancelled). For a lack of a better word, I feel weird. It's like, here I am trying to navigate feelings and the weirdness of how academia really puts you in a bubble that has some distance from reality. All I spend my time during this circuit breaker (it's a lockdown of sorts -- sometimes, you got to call a spade a spade) is me writing my thesis paper and other writing assignments (and also revising) while procrastinating. Friends whom I know who are so busy with the different readjustments that came with the implementation of the circuit breaker. Their daily lives have significantly changed. And we have healthcare workers, workers in sanitary and garbage disposal, customer service crew who are part of the essential businesses still working so that life can be as functioning as possible. I feel like what I am doing seems quite pointless during this time. Like, am I really going to be stressed out because of an assignment (that was what triggered the anxiety last night) or a quiz in this grand scheme of things? My anxiety was like "yes, because and here's a long list of reasons why."
There's a lot of conflicting emotions as of late, especially when I look at myself in comparison with other people. There's a level of privilege I have over others and there are other people having more privileges than I have. I don't think there's a total equaliser as suggested from a New York Times article I saw. People who are currently in vulnerable communities are facing the brunt of this pandemic, on top of the virus itself. There's a lot to take in with whatever that has happened so far, and we've only passed the first quarter.
May God help us.
- Gloria
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