this post is a little delayed but since when i was ever consistent (well, it's ironic that im consistently inconsistent). i've submitted my final year project. i'm essentially done with school. the feeling is still quite surreal even it has been 3 days since 30 april. 4 years of school that eventually led to a 10k word paper that is submitted online. ngl, it's different sending it through the internet than submitting a physically bound book to the undergraduate office. a little anticlimatic but it is what it is (it is what it is HAHAHAHA).
throughout these 4 years, there is so much doubt of whether i can do this. so much doubt over my writing abilities with every essay i've written. always second guesisng myself. the need to prove to peopel that i have original thought is so bad (nothing is ever original) that i have what it takes to do this bloody degree. so much doubt of the future that lies ahead. the reality presented is that to write for a living is a very privileged position. realistically, it is not possible for me to do at the moment. so far, people who are published, they have a day job that they do so that they can write. which i believe, i might fall into that case. furthermore, i don't think i have something to put out to the world just yet. i have ideas but they are not fully fleshed out and i ask myself this question that i didn't ask myself before i entered university. why are you writing this for? why are you writing this story?
once more, i'm at the crossroads of life. school always seem like a temporary shelter from the reality of living. school eclipsed my life whenever the semester started. always racing against the deadlines while trying to balance work and social life. it doesn't stop even after you physically left the place, it will always linger at the back of your mind. yet, this pain is something i'm familiar with and it is quite a solitary kind of pain. when one joins the workforce, it's different. your actions somehow feels more weighted than ever. mainly, it affects everyone else and it's not as insular as school (unless you're in a major that requires a lot of group projects). am i terrified of what lies ahead? definitely. but how long can i run away from the capitalistic world?
for now, i'm trying to take one day at a time, especially given the current climate of things. we'll see.
- gloria
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