the doubt that haunts

i'm back again ladies and gents. maybe this would be a daily occurrence especially during this holiday season since i'm on break until next year when the next semester begins. well, you are often told that grades aren't that important yet they somehow end up as quite an importance. i guess it's the by-product of the education system and culture of singapore. maybe it's also the result of several years of conditioning by your parents that grades are the be-all and end-all in your academic career. of course, my parents are now more forgiving in what grades i managed to attain in university but while i was growing up, it wasn't like that. i'm trying to unlearn this mentality that your grades reflect who you are and what you're worth as a student as well as a person. we are more than that.

however, it is not always easy. in the process of unlearning, it's hard to not feel the dull pain caused by the grades when you receive something that you didn't expect to get. especially when you start comparing it against what your friends and peers have attained (comparison leads to contempt – someone said but i forgot who). i believe that feeling can manifest in different ways, mine just happens to be doubting myself. i used to pride myself in my way with words and how i can use language to explain whatever that is in my head. coming to uni, i realised that i know nothing and to be perfectly honest, i'm just downright average. not good yet not bad at the same time. mediocre at best. which kind of sends me to an existential crisis since when i was a young adolescent, i was so certain that i'm going to be a great writer. slowly as the years go by and when one goes through life, the rose tint wore off as my feet slowly touches the ground, realising that things aren't as easy as i thought they would be. and i wasn't as good as i thought i was. eating the humble pie? maybe. 

doubt lingers like an unwanted guest that refuses to leave even when the party is over. it just taunts you, echoing your insecurities to the point where you start believing in them. thus commencing the self-loathing and self-pity. when that is over, it hides within the recesses of your mind, only coming out to haunt you at every opportunity that it is able to.

however, do i want to be like this? wallow in self-pity when things don't go exactly to plan? feel like this all the time? like my self-worth is placed on things that wouldn't matter in a couple of years? nope. no one does. so you grow. you can't succeed without failing. it's just that no one really tells you how to get through the failing part without giving up. no one really tells you it feels terrible when you're trying to pick yourself up, dust the shit off and try again. the process of sharpening hurts but, by the end of it, it would be rewarding. hopefully. 

- Gloria

Photo by Jakub Kriz on Unsplash