Ramblings of a rather average girl

this post is a little delayed but since when i was ever consistent (well, it's ironic that im consistently inconsistent). i've submitted my final year project. i'm essentially done with school. the feeling is still quite surreal even it has been 3 days since 30 april. 4 years of school that eventually led to a 10k word paper that is submitted online. ngl, it's different sending it through the internet than submitting a physically bound book to the undergraduate office. a little anticlimatic but it is what it is (it is what it is HAHAHAHA). throughout these 4 years, there is so much doubt of whether i can do this. so much doubt over my writing abilities with every essay i've written. always second guesisng myself. the need to prove to peopel that i have original thought is so bad (nothing is ever original) that i have what it takes to do this bloody degree. so much doubt of the future that lies ahead. the reality presented is that to write for a living is a ver...

As the deadline inches closer (for my undergrad thesis) and other mods' assignments and quizzes draw nearer, the anxiety has been hitting the roof. It's to the point that my brain can't take a break. I think I barely got 4-5 hours of sleep because everything has been weird and I was too anxious to fall asleep even at 4am+. In the past couple of days or so, I remember dreaming that I flunk my upcoming quiz on the coming Wednesday. I woke up in a panic and realised it's just a dream. But it felt damn real to me. It feels very weird to be anxious about these things on top with the ongoing pandemic that is currently happening. Life as we know it is gone, maybe forever. I don't think anything would return to the status quo when this pandemic blows over. Things have to get better at least. So, as a 25-year-old, I've witnessed 9/11 happening in front of my eyes through a television screen as a kid that led to many wars waged in West Asia. Went through an epidemic k...

well. even after all these years, the memory of you still creeps up onto me. more good ones than bad ones these days. or am i just choosing to remember the good things about you so it would be less painful? do i miss you? sometimes. there will always be a part of me who keeps wondering what could've been. i remember how much i didn't want to let you go. i remember that i wanted you to stay. even though we have said things that were better left unsaid, even though i destroyed the bridge between us, letting the flames reduce everything to cinders, i still wish we ended things on a better note. but the reality is that i fucked it up, you've fucked it up -- we were never meant to last. i thought we would be different. i thought we could make it. i thought we would have each other till this day. but alas, i was wrong. funny how visions of gideon is playing right now. if i had known that we were on borrowed time, i would've treasured the moments we had more. ending things...