Ramblings of a rather average girl

well, they don't call christmas the festive season for no reason. in a couple of days we will be gathering for the new year, wishing that the coming year would be better than the previous ones. that glimmer of hope that lingers around us coming from the promise of new possibilities. well, not everyone has that, got to just acknowledge that. this festive season has been more muted in comparison to the previous year's. don't really know it's because i'm getting older so everything around me seems more sombre or it's something else. at times, i feel like i'm slipping away from people. i shouldn't be surprised because everything changes after all. that's part of life. yet this unsettling feeling persists. it's the feeling that somehow i'm unable to reconcile the past, the present and the future. our lives have changed as we diverged onto different paths yet there is something innate within us to cling onto the past. the familiarity of it. t...

well, i'm currently feeling a little out of it. everything seems a little dull. muted. it's as if existing has suddenly become exhausting. it feels like everything seems like a chore, even when i'm doing something i would've gained some enjoyment out of doing them. at the same time, i don't know whether this feeling is caused by my hormones seeing that my period is coming soon (the signs have been rather clear other than my rather shitty mood). this feeling has been following me around like a personal raincloud, threatening to pour who knows what emotion or a thing i've been repressing for a time. when i attempt to write things just for the fun of it, i get so bloody critical of everything that i've written. something doesn't seem right and by the end of my critique, i wonder why the fuck did i even start writing again. like what is the point? i feel like my existential crisis moments are getting bigger as i point out the cracks that i see within my...

so... i was supposed to go a club tonight but i didn't feel like it. furthermore, my friend whom i'm close to also didn't felt like going. yet at the same time, i wanted to go for the new experience and my friend was fine accompanying my ass to the place. i got this gut feeling that it's not going to be good. literally, my stomach was acting weird in the late afternoon so i went to take a nap in hopes that it would alleviate the slight pain. i was nervous already since i've been asking my friend about the social cues of being at a club – seeing that i've never been and clearly indicates my need to be ready for any circumstances. mainly, i just don't want to do something stupid that i would come to regret later. to decide whether we go, we just flipped a coin (using google and not an actual coin) where if it lands on heads, we would go. we flipped the coin twice and twice it landed on tails so i was like 'the universe has spoken, it's a no'. th...

when one talks about love, they usually imply the one that has a romantic connotation to it. after all, love as a word seems rather all-encompassing. the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful – it's a pretty loaded one. however, romantic love has always been in the spotlight when it comes to art. no doubt people scoffed at romance as a genre but it's always there. it has become a constant that reimagines itself in a myriad of variations over and over again throughout time. we were taught of happily ever afters through literature and film (many other mediums of course) where it comes to the point where the idea of searching for a soulmate, a happily ever after should be the centre of our lives. of course, that's not the case. reality is much darker and much removed from the stories we saw, heard and felt. regardless of the stark disparity between fantasy and reality, the search for 'the One' has always been on the minds of humans since ever and it's not ...

i'm back again ladies and gents. maybe this would be a daily occurrence especially during this holiday season since i'm on break until next year when the next semester begins. well, you are often told that grades aren't that important yet they somehow end up as quite an importance. i guess it's the by-product of the education system and culture of singapore. maybe it's also the result of several years of conditioning by your parents that grades are the be-all and end-all in your academic career. of course, my parents are now more forgiving in what grades i managed to attain in university but while i was growing up, it wasn't like that. i'm trying to unlearn this mentality that your grades reflect who you are and what you're worth as a student as well as a person. we are more than that. however, it is not always easy. in the process of unlearning, it's hard to not feel the dull pain caused by the grades when you receive something that you d...

well, a lot of things have changed since i've last written here. i'm currently in uni and i'm a double major student doing english literature and art history. typing that still seems a little unbelievable to me. i think that tends to happen because as a young teenager, i always thought the idea of being an english major (not so for art history since i'm still fairly new to it) was a cool thing since most of the female protagonists in young adult fiction tend to land themselves into that role. also, i think my sentences are getting longer and longer as i progress in my university career. to the point where i have several tutors pointing that out and i should cut my sentences. so, i think i'm attempting to do so. clearly, the stream of consciousness is strong today but moving on.  as one grows older, being pragmatic seems the right thing to do and idealism kind of fades but i know i'm still clinging onto it because if not, life is going to suck so much. n...