Ramblings of a rather average girl

As the deadline inches closer (for my undergrad thesis) and other mods' assignments and quizzes draw nearer, the anxiety has been hitting the roof. It's to the point that my brain can't take a break. I think I barely got 4-5 hours of sleep because everything has been weird and I was too anxious to fall asleep even at 4am+. In the past couple of days or so, I remember dreaming that I flunk my upcoming quiz on the coming Wednesday. I woke up in a panic and realised it's just a dream. But it felt damn real to me. It feels very weird to be anxious about these things on top with the ongoing pandemic that is currently happening. Life as we know it is gone, maybe forever. I don't think anything would return to the status quo when this pandemic blows over. Things have to get better at least. So, as a 25-year-old, I've witnessed 9/11 happening in front of my eyes through a television screen as a kid that led to many wars waged in West Asia. Went through an epidemic k...

well. even after all these years, the memory of you still creeps up onto me. more good ones than bad ones these days. or am i just choosing to remember the good things about you so it would be less painful? do i miss you? sometimes. there will always be a part of me who keeps wondering what could've been. i remember how much i didn't want to let you go. i remember that i wanted you to stay. even though we have said things that were better left unsaid, even though i destroyed the bridge between us, letting the flames reduce everything to cinders, i still wish we ended things on a better note. but the reality is that i fucked it up, you've fucked it up -- we were never meant to last. i thought we would be different. i thought we could make it. i thought we would have each other till this day. but alas, i was wrong. funny how visions of gideon is playing right now. if i had known that we were on borrowed time, i would've treasured the moments we had more. ending things...

it's been a while since i've written here. my ennui as represented through the previous posts prolonged through the new year (this includes the lunar one as well), the new semester (now known as the previous one – the worst one i've ever experienced in my academic career), and that emptiness managed to linger around during the early parts of my summer break. i would like to say that that emptiness is gone but who am i kidding? it hasn't but it's not as all-consuming as it was during the start of summer break (i didn't really have time to feel like shit during the semester because i was flooded with deadlines and juggling my time between work and school). just felt like writing once more because i've been neglecting that part of me for quite a while. i feel like writing is pretty similar to running. when one is constantly writing, they would be more familiar with the process and it doesn't feel as foreign when they first start out. it can be even fun, whi...

having a space that acts as a void is both comforting and lonely. despite me posting it on the internet makes whatever i say feels permanent (unless i delete them), it's comforting to be able to write the running thoughts of this weird brain of mine down without anyone i know peering at them. 50% is me not wanting to burden them with my thoughts that often are quite melancholic (so edgy ikr) and the other 50% is just me wanting to keep some things private. the loneliness probably comes after writing everything down and the written words stare back at you expectantly to do something. very much similar to pain, words demand to be read and hope to propel some action to be done. but typing to this 'void' doesn't really do anything so it feels quite empty. yet here i am still typing into this empty void in hopes it would relieve of the funk i'm experiencing. it feels like i've been trying to find myself since i was 13. like i'm on this endless search for an...

well, they don't call christmas the festive season for no reason. in a couple of days we will be gathering for the new year, wishing that the coming year would be better than the previous ones. that glimmer of hope that lingers around us coming from the promise of new possibilities. well, not everyone has that, got to just acknowledge that. this festive season has been more muted in comparison to the previous year's. don't really know it's because i'm getting older so everything around me seems more sombre or it's something else. at times, i feel like i'm slipping away from people. i shouldn't be surprised because everything changes after all. that's part of life. yet this unsettling feeling persists. it's the feeling that somehow i'm unable to reconcile the past, the present and the future. our lives have changed as we diverged onto different paths yet there is something innate within us to cling onto the past. the familiarity of it. t...

well, i'm currently feeling a little out of it. everything seems a little dull. muted. it's as if existing has suddenly become exhausting. it feels like everything seems like a chore, even when i'm doing something i would've gained some enjoyment out of doing them. at the same time, i don't know whether this feeling is caused by my hormones seeing that my period is coming soon (the signs have been rather clear other than my rather shitty mood). this feeling has been following me around like a personal raincloud, threatening to pour who knows what emotion or a thing i've been repressing for a time. when i attempt to write things just for the fun of it, i get so bloody critical of everything that i've written. something doesn't seem right and by the end of my critique, i wonder why the fuck did i even start writing again. like what is the point? i feel like my existential crisis moments are getting bigger as i point out the cracks that i see within my...